Love, Just Me

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Just a 30something Mom trying to make
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THE POST I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OFF FOR TWO WEEKS

Dec 05

I guess today is as good as any to post about this. I have been putting it off for a couple of weeks now. Why? Well, I really don’t know how I feel about all of this that I am about to post about. I should. I have cried many tears over this in the past couple of years.

Angus asked me to marry him. He actually proposed. Came up to me in the kitchen, took hold of me, kissed me and asked me if I would marry him. Not the most romantic of proposals but, a sincere one. Told me he wanted to buy me a ring for my birthday, and asked how much we had in savings to spare! I told him not near enough lol. It was all a strange moment to me. He was totally serious and me, I was so wigged out. I didn’t know how to respond. So I just kind of played it off as a joke. It wasn’t like he had the ring and was on his knee or anything. So I told him that I didn’t want to spend money on anything like a ring until we move from here, and certainly not just before the holidays! The car breaking down took care of that anyway lol. I made a joke of it and dropped it. I just don’t know how I feel about it. Funny huh?

He has brought it up several times since. I just tell him once we move we can talk about more. Now when he asked me I wasn’t shocked (surprised that he asked me “If” I would marry him) when the whole thing came up that night because, a few weeks ago while in the exam room at the doctors office waiting and waiting for the doctor we were talking about how long ago certain things happened etc..... and he popped out and said something on the line of wow its been that long yada yada yada, I guess it’s time we got married then. It didn’t even register for like five freaking minutes and I was like, WHAT? What did you just say? He laughed and said ya, I think its time. What ever, was my response and went on talking about whatever it was I was saying.

A few nights later while in bed I just bluntly asked him, “After all these years, and all the times you know I have wanted to, and you said you didn’t want to be married again, even though you asked me in the first year and I said it was to soon, why do you want to marry me now?” He said, he thinks its time. I asked him again the next night. And again I got, its time, I think I have hardened you up enough to be able to handle me, or something like that. I am just baffled. Completely and utterly baffled. I have some many different emotions on this that I can’t even explain them to myself. I just know I won’t and, will not ever, unless I am sure that it is what I want to do. And when and if I am ready. Because if we were to do it now, my heart wouldn’t be in it. I want my heart in it this time. Not just because its time, or what is expected after all these years of being together. I did that once, never again.

See the rest...

Part of me is furious at him for asking me now. Why couldn’t he have asked when things were better, for us and with us? And I wonder maybe he senses something different in me. See, I have been actually thinking that maybe we have run our course together. We have been through so much shit in the past few years. Things are not like they used to be, and probably never will be again. The move here has changed us completely. Everything about us. We are just not us at all anymore. I know none of this makes sense lol. But it does.

This is why I haven’t wanted to blog about any of this. I am so full of mixed emotions I can’t see straight most of the time. I think that is why I didn’t say an actual yes or no, just, after we move out of here we will talk about it. I think I need to see how things are between us then. Oh and then, then there is Sophia maybe going to college next year. If I marry him, there goes her financial aid. Right now with what I will be making and her dead beat father not paying child support, she can get a good amount of help. I really don’t want to mess with that. She so deserves to be able to go to college. She has worked so hard the past four years. She would resent me for life if we mess that up for her now! And I wouldn’t blame her one bit. Between her father and I, we have messed with that poor kids life enough. She deserves so much more than we have dealt her in life.

And then...... I want what I want and I don’t want to settle for anything less this time around. I want a nice pretty diamond on my finger. I want to be able to afford to get married where I want and a reception were I want it. Now, none of this is outrageous by any means. I am not expecting a two carrot ring or, a huge wedding and reception. Not at all. But I don’t see what I do want, affordable in the next year or, two at the moment. But I want what I want. And I don’t want what he has done before lol. And its not. He has done the church thing, and that is no-way in my book. He has done the Vegas type thing, just not in Vegas, it was Laughlin. Maybe I will post about it sometime. Sometime when it seems like it could be real, and happy. Cause right now....... I can’t envision it at all.

TTFN

Close it up...

Posted on 12/05/05 at 01:01 PM

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