IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS
I went out Saturday early afternoon to get the kids Easter candy,and something to make for Easter dinner. Ya, I know. Nothing like waiting to the last minute. But that is how I do everything these days. Save for laundry, as I have to do it everyday because of the small apartment size washer/dryer. I don’t go to the grocery store until just before I pick up Aidan from school. Or I even wait until after. I don’t pick up the morning dishes, or vacuum, or make the bed, until about 2- 2:15. Just before Sophia gets home. I wait until at least 4-5 PM to do any ironing that might need to be done for Angus.
But mostly, I put off all errands that need to be done out of the house. I just don’t want to go out there. Why? And then driving up the road on Saturday, it hit me, like a ton of bricks. Because then I realize where I am. I am here, not there. And the flood of tears just wouldn’t stop. I chastised my self for being such baby, and to grow up and get a grip. And then I told myself, maybe it is just what I need to do to get over it. Angus said something to me over the weekend that kind of hit a nerve. I can’t remember what came on the TV , but I said something negative about here or living here. Something on that line anyway. And he told me that I shouldn’t be so negative, or I will never be happy here. But he said it so matter of fact. I wanted to jump up and scream, “Look at me, I am not happy. I am never going to be happy here! Take me home.”
I don’t talk about it with him. I tried in the beginning, but I think he just didn’t really get it. I just chug along every day, laugh when he says something funny,tell him I had a usual day, laundry kids etc. He hasn’t said anything about the job search for about a week now, or the lack of looking for one I should say. Last week when he brought it up I told him that I just feel terrible about the way I look. I need my hair cut and colored, my weight. He told me to go have my hair done, soon I will be able to start walking. But have I even attempted to make a appointment any place? Nope. And then I feel guilty that I am not doing any thing, and I tell my self tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go get something done with my hair and maybe I will feel a little better. But I don’t. Today is another tomorrow. I am waiting for my cloths to finish drying. I will post and get my email. Then I will go and get something done with my hair. Or will I? I don’t really know. I won’t until I am actually out the door and in the car.
I have been putting off phone calls I need to make to the schools and the doctors for the kids. The schools need more shot records from the doctors, the new doctors need more info from the old doctors. I need to make dentist appointment, and eye exams for Sophia and myself. I just can’t seem to get myself to pick up the phone and do it. I do small thing when I start to panic that Angus or someone might notice that I am not taking care of these things.
Sometimes I think I just need to get out of here. I can’t wait to get our own place, then I will start to adjust and be happier. Then I think about moving the kids, again, for the third time in less than a year. And I feel guilty. I caught a little bit of a show called the nanny’s or something while I was channel surfing last night. And it was a very dysfunctional family from NY. The oldest boy had anger issues. And the nanny figured out why. The boy was tired of moving, going to different schools all the time. Having to make new friends constantly. Not feeling like he could settle and be home. He was the Aidan all wrapped up with a bow. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep very much last night. I had some very strange dreams I can’t figure out, what I remember of them.
Well, that dryer just buzzed. Let see if I can get my butt in the shower (I know they have more drying to do) and get out that door today.
TTFN
Posted on 03/29/05 at 11:38 AM