I HATE THE GUILT BUT, MAYBE I SHOULD BE
I got a call from the ex’s secretary this morning (why is it always on angus’s day of that she calls?) to let me know that he turned in the equipment and his cell phone. Just great, now I have no way to get in touch with him.
Well at least I don’t have to worry that he has a warrant out for him anymore. I wish he would call and let me know what is going on. Or at least call his kids to let them know that he is ok and he loves them. They need to hear this right now. Mostly the Aidan needs to know this. He has been sooooo much whiner lately.
She also told me that he filed for unemployment. So I know he at least has some income coming to him for some place to stay (his job paid for hotels because he traveled everyday). That is a big relief on me. So why is it I feel so guilty that it’s my fault that he is where he is in life? I just always run through my head that if maybe I did things differently that he would not be were he is now.
Deep down I know he is were he is because he chooses to be. And that he is the only one that can pull himself out of it. But I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible. I feel like if I could only talk to him, get him to call. I could talk him down from whatever it is that he is going through. And then I remember. This is what I have done since I was 19 years old with him. And I can’t do it anymore. Not for him, me, or his children. It’s why I left him. He was sucking the life out of me. And he is doing it again. But why? Why am I letting him? And why do I feel responsible for this? I wish I could move 3000 more miles away again. But it wouldn’t make it go away, I already tried it once before. So what do I do? Feel guilty, thats what. And I hate myself for it because I do know that I shouldn’t. But maybe I should.
Posted on 11/18/04 at 02:46 PM