Frankenhouse

Saturday, 1:15 pm

By Kate

Jul

14

2007

There is a house across the street and kind of kitty-corner to mine that has been undergoing impressive construction for the past month. It is, like most of the rest of the houses in our small neighborhood, a two family house.

Legally, the houses are called condexes—something between a condo and a duplex. All owners are obliged to abide by the condo docs that come with every house. Each homeowner is 1/2 of a condo association, but it is a condo association in name only. No fees are collected and such. We are responsible for the upkeep and repairs of our homes, but we, as condo association members, are legally bound to cooperate with the other condo association member to make sure that our homes don’t turn out looking like little frankenhouses should one of us take it into our heads to be unduly creative.

That has worked quite well for the 14 years that I have lived here. As far as structure goes, we’ve all made the effort to make sure our houses maintain a certain amount of symmetry from the front. Additions have been built, but they’ve been quite tasteful and, per condo docs, with the approval of both condo association owners and immediate neighbors. It is an attractive neighborhood and we’ve all had a hand in making sure that it stays that way. Some pride, too. It is a pretty neighborhood.

Sometimes I’m not keen on the idea of these condo docs as they make insuring the places a bit complicated and can be a bit restrictive. But otherwise, this system has worked well.

Until now.

We now have our first frankenhouse on the street. The people across the street decided to build an addition onto their side of the house. No problem. They got the approvals they needed and everyone was happy—even pleased for them. But then, they decided to alter the entrance to the front of their house with something that looks like a cathedral roof. It’s the damnedest looking thing I’ve seen in a while. That didn’t fly very well with the neighborhood, but no one made too much of an issue of it beyond loud grumbling about it.

But yesterday, I think the gloves came off. There is now talk of attorney action and boy oh boy, things are getting ugly. The people decided that they wanted to change the siding on their side of the house from wider clapboards to skinny ones. They ripped all the siding off their side of the house and are now installing very pretty thin clapboards. Of course, that makes the entire front of the house look absolutely and stupendously hideous. These changes were never flown past anyone, most especially the owners of the other half of the house who are in the process of trying to sell their house. You could rarely find a more awful situation for a homeowner trying to sell. For the rest of us, it’s just a freakin’ horror show.

I wonder what people think when they undertake these projects. That it’s going to be attractive? ‘Cuz I have to say, it isn’t. It’s awful. It’s a Frankenhouse.

I don’t know what attorney action can accomplish now, but good luck to them.

This whole thing makes me pause. I’ve been a fairly vocal opponent of condo docs and the neighborhood association type of mentality. But, suddenly I’m in position where I can’t avoid seeing this dreadful Frankenhouse and I understand that not everyone has a lick of taste or common sense. Frankenhouses don’t add a whole lot of value to a neighborhood. In fact, they tend to detract. I don’t like being told what I can and can’t do with my house, but on the other hand, I really, really would like to be able to tell them what they can and can’t do with theirs. Interesting situation to be in, yes?