The Dumbest Story Ever

I am an ergonomic disaster. Somewhere between toddlerhood and now, I’ve forgotten how to sit properly and, now, walk properly. Those two activities seem to comprise the bulk of living, so it’s a problem.

As you know, I pulled a muscle in my behind a little over a month ago. The pain was excruciating, but seemed to settle into a dull ache after about two weeks. When one feels a little better, one tends to do more. And I did. The result being, more excruciating pain. The kind that induces cold sweats and a lot of gasping for breath. That’s been the pattern over the past month. It wears a person down pretty quickly. This past weekend, I went out and mowed the lawn. Seems like a simple enough task, but I spent the next couple of days gasping and swallowing ibuprofen like it was going out of style. And this time, my leg ached like a throbbing toothache and my left foot went numb. There’s a clue. Sciatic nerve involvement.

I’ve had enough pain.

Today I went to a sports medicine doctor. I guess my symptoms recommended themselves to that branch of medicine. In any case, he said that I’m in the throes of Piriformis syndrome. The Piriformis muscle resides in the butt and the sciatic nerve runs through it. When one tears the Piriformis muscle or upsets it in such a way to make it swell up, that applies pressure to the sciatic nerve, ergo leg pain and foot numbness.

That earned me a shot of cortisone in the butt. I want to tell you, that’s not anything I’d wish on my worst enemy. Geez. That wasn’t pleasant ‘cuz, you know, the Piriformis muscle rests pretty deeply in the rear and it takes a good sized needle to reach it. But, I am pain free. Well, except for the needle puncture.

Anyway. One of the things I really like about this doctor (he’s the one who reviewed my rotten computer habits and advised a new ergonomic desk to resolve the numbness in my right hand and a terrible sitting posture, which worked like a charm) is that he looks for the reasons why these things happen. That particular medical practice has a room devoted to the various chores we perform in a day and we are walked through all of them to zero in on movements that might cause trouble—if they aren’t related to an actual sports injury.

It turns out that I don’t walk properly. In going over every facet of my daily existence, it came out that I’m a prodigious pacer. I pace miles a day. That’s what I do when I’m thinking or talking on the phone. I pace back and forth. And for some odd reason, I have a weird pacing gait that throws my left hip out of alignment and exerts stress on associated muscles that aren’t in tip top shape to begin with.

Well, that makes sense, I guess. This pacing thing is a hard habit to break, though. Really hard. It’s unconscious and I’ve found myself doing it several times this afternoon already.

The cortisone should keep everything calm for the near future, while I do what needs to be done. Certain stretching exercises for the Piriformis muscle to be done religiously. And walking. Outside. Where I have a normal gait. “Save your thinking for your walks,” the doctor advised...with a smile. Walking with an extended gait will relieve the stress and pain and strengthen the muscle. And working up to a 14 minute mile will build butt muscles that could break bricks, which will help prevent a repeat of this stupid little injury. Either that or a lot more pain. Sure sounds like an easy choice.